THE TROUBLE WITH CANDLES
by JamSack
Summary: A little payback time after a taxing “holiday.” Teal’c and Jack are angry at each other and Sam is being strange. My attempt at being funny! Some SJ! Lots of Laughter!
1. Chapter 1

THE TROUBLE WITH CANDLES

Summary: A little payback time after a taxing "holiday." Teal'c and Jack are angry at each other and Sam is being strange. My attempt at being funny! SJ and Teal'c and Jack rivalry.

AN: So I got some chocolate smelling candles as a present from a friend, which, smell good enough to eat by the way, especially for a chocoholic like me. Yeah and out came this.

Please excuse me for the madness and weirdness, I wrote half of this after three days of staying at home sick and having an exam the next day (which I didn't do cos I was sick, but I did it later and got an A-!) Yes so sorry for the weirdness although that's what makes it funny!

Enjoy!

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Teal'c of Chulak was angry. It was lesser anger of what he felt towards the Gou'ald. It was slightly lesser anger of what he felt towards his best friend when he had married his wife. But it _was_ anger. It was anger towards his friend. Jack O'Neill.

Things had been a little tense between them after that body-changing incident with Machello.

Teal'c had still not forgotten the shame and humiliation he felt as he watched his body with O'Neill in it, saying those crude colloquialisms, acting so undignified, not treating his body with the proper care that should be taken, and talking about "Junior" with such disrespect.

It was enough to make Teal'c feel ill; made worse by the fact that he did not have a symbiote to make him feel better quicker.

He did not find Jack O'Neill's body an enjoyable experience either. For one thing, his knee was of most discomfort. He did not like the absence in his stomach and his head was far too hot. The hair was bristly and nuisance and it wasn't even a nice colour. It was grey! The hair _had_ to go.

If O'Neill did not like it, it would not be his problem. It would grow back after a lengthy time period.

But it seemed that O'Neill did not think that way, and had threatened him with, something that he could not mention, if he did do anything to the hair.

Therefore Teal'c was angry.

-#-#-#-#-#-#-#-#-#

:BEEP:

There was a satisfying noise as the transaction went through the register at the department store. Jack O'Neill paid for his purchase of super scented chocolaty brown tea light candles and exited the sore with a huge grin on his face. It was payback time!

-#-#-#-#-#-#-#-#-#

'Carter', Jack hissed to his 2IC who was working busily in her lab. Sam turned around, hardly surprised to find her CO lurking like an escaped criminal behind her open door and clutching a plastic bag in his hand.

'Sir?'

'I need your help.'

'I'm listening.' She said.

'I bought a new set of candles for Teal'c because… err…' Jack though quick. 'Because he's been looking a bit down lately and I thought he must be missing his family, so I wanted to do something nice for him.'

Sam gave him a sceptical look. 'Why do I get the feeling that there are some ulterior motives afoot, Sir?'

'Er… because of your excellent deductive reasoning skills.' He asked with a question in his voice.

'Good answer. What would you like me to do?'

Jack gave her a surprised grin. 'Ohho, so flattery gets me everything, eh? He said with a suggestive glint in his eyes. 'Well may I say you're the hottest woman I know. Even hotter than my idol Mary Steenburgen. And you're incredibly smart too!'

'Uh no, Sir.' She said with a small smile. 'I just need a bit of revenge on Teal'c. So what have you got there?' She asked, pointing at the plastic bag.

Okay, Jack was just a bit confused now.

'Hey, why are you taking revenge on Teal'c?'

Sam could be suggestive too. 'Let's just say', she said, exaggerating the lip movement with the "L", 'that I'm annoyed with Teal'c because he tried to shave off your Lovely, Luscious head full of hair.' Sam raised her hand and placed it on Jack's head and raked her fingers through his hair.'

'Ooh, I could get used to this.'

Sam gave a wicked grin, and then smacked Jack on the back of the head with her hand. Hard.

'Ow!' Jack exclaimed and fell to the floor, still conscious, but now his head hurt like hell. 'Geez, Carter!' You got a hand full of steel or something.'

'Even thinking about trying to sabotage Teal'c is playing with fire, Colonel!'

'Good thing I'm a pyro then, isn't it?' Jack said while rubbing his head.

Sam gave him an 'oh-aren't-you-a-smart-one' sarcastic glare. 'I've tried it before, Colonel; trust me it's not a good idea. So don't even ask me to help you. I'll let you suffer by yourself, Colonel!' Another wicked grin flashed across her normally angelic looking face.

Jack grunted as he tried to sit up, mumbling something about insubordination. 'For crying out loud, no wonder that guy on Simkara begged for mercy. You nearly turned him into a Mongolian barbeque!'

Sam gave a small laugh. 'Excuse me, Sir. I believe the situation requires ol' "Doc Frasier" and her needles here immediately.'

Jack was surprised Sam didn't let out an evil laugh as she left the room to visit the doc. This Sam was pure evil.

Jack came to the conclusion that she was already in cohorts with Teal'c.

-#-#-#-#-#-#-#-#-#

Teal'c sat in a dark room in silent meditation. His mind was clear but he still found it hard to reach a perfect state of Kel'No'Reem. It was like his symbiote was repulsed by something. Teal'c surveyed his surroundings. Yes everything seemed in place. The lights were off; there as noting in the room except his carefully placed brown lit candles.

No. It was a scent. It smelt disgusting. It smelt of that cocoa candy that nearly all the Tau'ri seemed to worship. Chocolate!

Teal'c walked over to some of his candles and smelt them. Yes the candles were made to smell of chocolate!

Teal'c even in if he weren't in his right mind, would not purchase such filth. He always found sandal-wood a particularly soothing smell, ideal for achieving a connection with his symbiote.

Something was not right and Teal'c intended to find out what, or rather _who_ was responsible.

'O'Neill!'

-#-#-#-#-#-#-#-#-#

Meanwhile the person in question was hiding in the supplies closet next to Teal'c's room with…

Daniel.

'Thanks a lot, Spacemonkey.' Jack said through his laughter. 'Teal'c needed a bit of a slap on the bum. Can't let him getting too arrogant like those stuck-up Gou'ald, can we!'

Daniel was smirking like anything when he heard Teal'cs howl of fury, and was able to hold in his giggles until Teal'cs footsteps indicated that he was gone. Daniel let out a snort and then they both broke out into fully-fledged laughter.

It got to a point where Jack and Daniel had to hold onto each other for support, just so that they wouldn't fall over from the strength of their laughter.

Oh, they howled, they shrieked, they were laughing so much tears of mirth were coming out of there eyes, and every 20 seconds or so, they had to take a deep breath so they wouldn't run out of air during their next bought of laughing.

Finally after nearly seven minutes, Jack and Daniel fell to the floor, clutching their stomachs, breathing rather heavily.

'Hou… gosh that was funny!'

'Who ever knew teasing Teal'c was so much fun! We should have done it sooner!'

'I reckon!' Daniel heartily agreed.

Jack had a wicked thought. 'Hey! Let's go find Carter and let her bribe us into showing her the Polaroid picture that we took of Teal'c. Ooh what she wouldn't do to get her hands on it.'

'Oh I think she'd get her hands on you for it.' Daniel said slyly.

Jack gave him a sharp glare. 'Bad archaeologist. No picture for you!' With that he opened the door and marched around the corner only to come face to face with… Teal'c. Tense music

His face looked murderous as he saw a very conspicuous picture of himself in O'Neill's hand.

As quick as a paparazzi on the tail of a camera hating flim star, Jack whipped out his Polaroid, took another snap of Teal'cs expression and dashed for the nearest elevator to escape, leaving Daniel to deal with Teal'c.

Jack pushed the "close door" button and then pressed the level button that would take him to Carter's lab.

* * *

AN: Just a little humour to balance out the angstiness from _"Samantha's Wedding" _It probably gets a bit too much some times, and then it'll make you feel sad so this is to lighten it up a bit. See I **can** write humour!

Don't forget to review!


	2. Chapter 2

_**CHAPTER TWO**_

AN: Thanks so much for your reviews and thanks to ­­­­ Mackenise Jackson cos her comment was especially nice. Thankyou for acknowledging that my humour writing doesn't suck. I actually laugh a lot, when I have hang out with my friends outside of school I laugh **SO** much! and I have a very weird sense of humour so it makes sense that I write weird humour.

As to SGCFan4ever ­­­'s question. Why I use ' these speech marks instead of " speech marks, well when I first started writing (original stuff) I was reading a book by Sophie Masson and she used ' marks. And I had read books that used " and ' so I just thought it was grammatically correct to use either. but sometimes when I'm writing my stories down in an actual notebook I use " and change it when I type it so that they're all like ' that.

SGFan as you can see that was definitley not it. I don't know how many chapters there will be but I guarantee it wont be more than 10.

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_Previously…_

As quick as a paparazzi on the tail of a camera hating flim star, Jack whipped out his Polaroid, took another snap of Teal'cs expression and dashed for the nearest elevator to escape, leaving Daniel to deal with Teal'c.

Jack pushed the "close door" button and then pressed the level button that would take him to Carter's lab.

_Continuation…_

Major Sam Carter was busily working in said lab. For once she was not working on the latest complex doohickey that they had brought back, but sat chopping some dark, black, chocolate on a wooden chopping board with the exact precision and attentiveness that she showed her scientific artifacts. Her nose was so close to the dark chocolate that it almost looked like she was eating it.

This time, when Jack O'Neill came to her lab and crept up behind his 2IC and placed his hands hard down on her shoulders with a 'boo!' Sam almost leaped five feet up from her chair with a high-pitched girlish squeal.

Jack stepped back from her, shocked at her reaction; he was fully expecting her to make some sarcastic remark and then ignore him.

Sam turned around, giving him an angry glare; her heart racing, part from the surprise that she got, and part from the nice physical contact it was to feel Jack's hands on her shoulders, if only for a few seconds.

'Colonel O'Neill, please don't do that! Though it rarely works, I don't like it.' She gave him an I'm-angry-with-you looks while she was trying to suppress a giggle.

Jack stared at her for a few seconds and then remembered why he had come. 'Oh, Major', he said in a sing-song voice, pulling the photos out of his pocket. 'Look what I got!'

Sam made a reach for them.

'Uh, ah, ah', he continued, waggling his finger in a manner that was often displayed from parents to children.

'First you tell me what's the deal with the chocolate. Then I'll show you the picture that will make you die with laughter!'

'Well I hope I at least get a goodbye kiss before I die, Sir.'

Jack's mouth dropped open, clearly surprised by his 2IC's extreme flirtatious behaviour.

'I need to give my dad a goodbye kiss before I die, Sir.' She said with a smirk. 'I think you'd better call the Tok'ra. I'll miss him terribly of course, but I believe it will be worth it just so I can see the expression on Teal'cs face when he finds out you've done something to him.'

'Hey I only did what was right given the circumstances', he said defensively.

'And I'm sure Teal'c will do the same, Sir.'

'Yeah, with you helping him' he mumbled as Sam turned back to her work… before snatching the invaluable phot of Teal'c out of her CO's hand.

'Hey! That's insubordination, Captain! I order you to give that back right now.' Suddenly Sam had a really terrified look on her face, and then with a laugh she said 'Ooh, whatcha gonna do, Jack? Court martial me?'

Jack started to give a response of the affirmative.

'Which by the way will mean trouble for _you_ seeing as you have antagonised a respected warrior of the base, who, might I add is way older than you and looks younger than you, and you'd be court martialled yourself… Sir.'

'That hurt, Captain! You're too smart for your own good, you know that, Sam?'

Jack started moving closer to the table and incidentally, to Sam. _Two can play at your game, Carter._

'Which is why…' he moved even closer so that their noses were almost touching '…I love…'

Sam held her breath, her face betraying desire as she down at his lips hungrily.

'…Chocolate.'

:snap: There was a flash as Jack took another picture, this time of Sam's disappointed and surprised face.

And this time, Jack gave an evil laugh and stuffed some of the 'chocolate' shavings into his mouth.

With a delighted laugh, Sam snatched the camera out of Jack's hand and took a shot of _his_ surprised face as he realised that it was not chocolate he was eating, but some highly reactive goo stuff that Carter was experimenting on. It wasn't very harmful to humans, but it tasted like… yoghurt gone off mixed with rubber mats drenched in sweat after a gym workout.

Yeah, no wonder Jack was hunched over trying to puke up the bits he had swallowed. In fact, it looked and sounded like he _was_ choking.

Sam's eyes nearly popped out in horror as she realised that she might be responsible for Jack's choking and dying.

With the speed of a soldier needing to save the life of a fellow soldier, which she was, she rushed over to 'her' colonel who had just collapsed on the ground because of lack of breath, and cautiously put her lips on his, gagging slightly as she got a taste of the 'chocolate' in her mouth.

She breathed into his mouth and then pressed on his chest.

Eagerly she put her lips on his again, wondering if the AU Carter married her Jack because of his extremely kissable lips.

She pressed on his chest again, only doing it once instead of the required twice this time so she could get to his lips quicker.

Hang on a sec; these were her Commanding Officer's lips…

Not that it mattered. It was just a thought that appeared in her brain as she went to his lips for a third time so that she could… oh yeah, save his life. She was so wrapped up in the feel of his lips that she didn't hear another :click:

'Captain Carter, what the hell are you doing!' General Hammond shouted in a voice that demanded absolute authority as he saw the Colonel and Captain of his flagship team lip-locked on the floor, the Colonel's eyes closed in what appeared to be a savouring manner.

Captain Carter stood up quickly with an extremely guilty expression on her face. 'I'm giving him lip-to-lip, Sir.' General Hammond raised an eyebrow. _You're such dolt, Samantha!_ I mean mouth-to-mouth. _That didn't sound any better._ I mean… I'm giving Colonel O'Neill CPR, sir!

Expecting the General of the base to blow up in her face, she didn't know wether to be relieved or really _really _freaked out that he burst into laughter.

It surprised her even more when he produced a Polaroid of his own out of his pocket and took another photo, another photo of her stuck to Jack's face clearly seen in his hand. General Hammond disappeared.

Her face had shown shock many times that day, but even the most far out alien would be able to see that this little Captain was shocked beyond speech.

'This means war!'

Jack said as he sat up, clutching his stomach like a poor wounded soldier.

'Colonel Jonathan O'Neill, I though you had stopped breathing!'

'Yeah, enjoy your little kissy fest, Carter?'

Before she could protest against such an insolent remark, Jack took hold of her hand so he could drag her off to Daniel's lair, uh, lab.

**_END OF CHAPTER TWO_**


End file.
